People Sitting in a Coffee Shop Talking with the Speakerphone On
I’m okay with people talking to each other in a coffee shop. After all, it’s a public space designed for social interaction. But the moment someone decides their phone conversation needs to be broadcasted to the entire room through a tinny, irritating, metallic-sounding speaker, I start contemplating the legal ramifications of homicide. It’s a mystery why some people think we all need to hear their half of the conversation about office politics or how the doctor diagnosed them with haemorrhoids.
People Who Reverse Park
Sorry, Volvo drivers, but why do some people insist on stopping traffic just to back into a parking spot? There’s a line of cars waiting as they slowly navigate between the lines. I mean, do these people walk into elevators backwards, too, planning their exit before they’ve even arrived? Try that having sex with your loved one. It’s as if their main goal for the day is to make their departure as seamless as possible.
People Who Speed Up When You Are Crossing the Road
What is going on in the mind of a person who gets a thrill from speeding up as you cross the road? Is their life so dull that scaring a pedestrian is the highest level of excitement in their day? It doesn’t make for exciting coffee table conversation, does it? “Hey, guess what? Today, I nearly ran over a guy just for fun.” Get a life, numbats.
People Asking Their Pets Questions
Okay, this is cute, but seriously, what’s the deal with people asking their pets questions? “Do you want to go for a walk or to the beach?” or “Are you okay to look after the house while daddy goes to the beach”? Do they expect Fido to weigh the pros and cons and respond?
People Who Have Conversations in Public Spaces Using Bluetooth Earbuds
Have you ever found yourself responding to someone only to realize they’re talking to a voice in their head? Not a schizophrenic voice, but someone on the other end of their Bluetooth earbuds. It’s surreal and a bit creepy as if they’re starring in a one-person show that no one else was invited to. If you ever video it, it looks like a modern rendition of Hamlet’s soliloquy, minus the skull and with more confusing glances from bystanders.
People Who Go “Aah” Every Time They Sip Their Tea
Like the knights who say “ni,” there are tea sippers who say “aah” every time they sip from the cup. They annoy me because I like to enjoy a beverage without having to listen to multiple climaxes – it’s off-putting. It’s as if each sip is a transcendent experience that must be shared with the entire room. I get it; tea is lovely, but must we all hear your moans of satisfaction as you reach your personal beverage nirvana? It’s like an auditory declaration of satisfaction that makes me want to puke into my own cup
People Who Wear Headphones and Grunt in the Gym
Gym grunting is another thing that gets me contemplating the legal ramifications of homicide. Gyms are already an auditory overstimulation zone for me that even my expensive soundproof headphones cannot dampen. Add the grunting gorilla who sounds like he’s giving birth to a ten-pound baby every time he squats, and I get severely irritated. It’s worse than thistle bush rash. He’s got headphones on, so he has no clue how loud he is, making noises that belong in a King Kong movie rather than a fitness centre. Sorry for the gender bias.
People Who Say “You Can’t Say That”
The moral police, armed with trench coats and an inflated sense of self-righteousness, curdle my patience. Cancel culture, in its most absurd form, is like a town of tiny dictators, ready to exile anyone with a differing opinion. It’s not about advocating for hate speech or offensive behaviour but rather pointing out the hypocrisy. Silencing someone because their views don’t align with yours is counterproductive. It creates an atmosphere of fear, stifling dialogue and understanding. Instead of cancelling, how about we listen and engage in constructive conversation, you goose-stepping, narrow-minded, moralistic, peanut-brained, angry little existentialists?
People Who Blame Climate Change for Everything and then drive off in a Hummer
I get annoyed with the hypocrite who identifies as an environmentally conscious greenie and blames everything on climate change yet wraps carrots in plastic, farts a lot, and warms up the Hummer up for 15 minutes before diving just over a kilometre to work. If you need an identity for approval, maybe brand yourself as a toaster.
Conclusion
Life is full of minor annoyances, and while we can’t control them all, we can certainly laugh at the absurdity of it all. From the quirks of public behaviour to the perplexities of social interactions, sometimes all you can do is shake your head and chuckle. After all, the little things make life interesting, even if they occasionally drive you up the wall.