“There is no greater cost to society than poor self-care” – SeaCaptainSwan 2024.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself first.” – Unknown
For many of us, our upbringing instilled in us the belief that selflessness is a virtue and that we should make sacrifices and put others first. While this message is well-intentioned, it can be short-sighted. To truly benefit others, we must prioritize our own needs first. This suggestion might sound selfish, but the principle that people need to care for themselves before they can effectively care for others is grounded in well-established psychological theories. As the saying goes, “Charity starts at home,” and caring for others begins with caring for the self. Learn more about mental health strategies for self-care.
The Conundrum of Self-Care in an Era of Perceived Rising Narcissism
In today’s world, where concerns about increasing narcissistic behaviours are prevalent, advocating for self-care might seem contradictory. However, it is important to establish that there is a crucial difference between healthy self-care and narcissism. Anyone who tells you that you shouldn’t care for yourself is probably trying to redirect all of your energy and focus onto them. Don’t listen to those voices.
Proper self-care involves addressing one’s needs in a healthy, constructive way. It does not promote selfishness but establishes a balanced and healthy foundation to give. This kind of self-care is different from the self-care that a person with narcissistic tendencies will practice, which focuses on seeking external validation and exhibiting behaviours rooted in deep-seated insecurities and self-loathing. Their actions are more about feeding their fractured ego than genuine self-care.
Studies show that individuals with narcissistic traits are more likely to develop substance use disorders, reflecting their unhealthy coping mechanisms and providing them with a poor platform for caring for others. These habits and behaviours are not self-care and do not benefit the person or others they may interact with.
If you want to care for others genuinely and contribute positively to society, prioritizing your own needs is essential. But how do we reconcile the contradictory messages from religion, parents, and the education system, which advocate both self-sacrifice and self-prioritization?
Contradictory Messages from Upbringing and Society
Many cultural and religious teachings emphasise self-sacrifice and caring for others as central virtues. Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and Buddhism all encourage acts of love, service, and selflessness. For example, Christianity teaches through Jesus Christ’s sacrifice, Islam through the Prophet Muhammad’s compassion, Hinduism through duty without attachment, and Buddhism through the Bodhisattva’s selflessness.
Parenting and social conditioning reinforce these values. Many parents model self-sacrifice by prioritising their children’s needs, and traditional gender roles emphasise nurturing and protection. However, modern parenting also includes messages about self-protection and standing up for oneself, creating a confusing dynamic for children.
These contradictory messages confuse children. On one hand, we teach children to care for others, often to the point of self-sacrifice. On the other hand, they receive messages about the importance of self-care and standing up for themselves. These mixed messages can create a confusing dynamic, leading children to struggle with finding a healthy balance.
Research suggests that these mixed messages can contribute to the development of narcissistic behaviours. When we give children inconsistent messages about self-care and self-sacrifice, they may develop an unhealthy focus on themselves, seeking external validation rather than learning to balance their needs with those of others.
The Impact of Unhealthy Parenting Styles
In his appearance on the Modern Wisdom podcast, Dr. Robert Glover elaborates on how poor parenting in the early years of children’s lives shapes their perception of self-care and teaches them to subjugate their own needs.
“We’ve been taught to, and we inaccurately internalized, ironically, that that was the best way to get our needs met. I mean, think about it, if you’re a small child, an infant, and you don’t have a lot of thinking processing power, just survival power. And let’s say you quickly come to the awareness that the caretakers in your life are not competent. They don’t respond timely. They don’t respond consistently. They don’t respond with what you really need. And so what you learn is, well, maybe if I get rid of my needs, or maybe if I become needless and wantless, I mean, this isn’t thought, it’s just an emotional survival reaction. If I take care of their needs, if I make sure they’re okay, then they’ll be okay to make sure I’m okay. And all of this begins before we can even think about it. So it gets wired into our nervous system, then we grow up to be children, adolescents, adults, and we just keep following the same thing that got wired in very inaccurately when we were just a few months old.” (Robert Glover on Modern Wisdom, May 2024)
You can listen to Dr. Robert Glover’s full discussion on the Modern Wisdom podcast here.
You can find Chris’s podcast at the following locations:
Children learn by example. When parents practice healthy self-care, they teach their children to do the same. This balanced approach helps children understand that caring for oneself is not selfish but rather necessary for preserving well-being and ensuring the ability to care for others effectively.
The Importance of Balanced Self-Care
Adopting a balanced approach to self-care is crucial. Encourage empathy and kindness while fostering resilience and intrinsic self-worth. Allow children to experience setbacks and failures, teaching them to cope and grow from these experiences. Consistent messages and modelling of balanced behaviour can help children develop into empathetic and well-rounded individuals.
By emphasising the importance of self-care, parents can ensure their children understand that taking care of themselves is essential for their well-being and ability to support others. This holistic approach promotes a healthy, nurturing environment where children can thrive.
The Tale of Sarah’s Sacrifice
Sarah was renowned in her small town for her boundless generosity. From a young age, she had been taught the virtues of putting others first. As she grew older, her acts of kindness became more pronounced. She volunteered at the local food bank, helped her neighbours, and always offered a listening ear.
One day, Sarah’s best friend, Emily, was diagnosed with a serious illness. With no family nearby, Sarah took on the role of full-time caregiver. She moved Emily into her home, managing doctor’s appointments, medication schedules, and ensuring Emily’s comfort.
As months passed, Sarah’s life began to fade into the background. She stopped attending yoga classes, missed book club meetings, and took a leave of absence from work. Friends noticed her absence, but Sarah assured them she was just busy with Emily. In truth, Sarah was exhausted. Her health declined, but she ignored the warning signs, believing Emily’s needs were more important.
One evening, after a gruelling day, Sarah collapsed from sheer exhaustion. In the hospital, doctors found her severely dehydrated, malnourished, and suffering from extreme fatigue. During her recovery, Sarah faced the reality of her situation. She realized that neglecting her own needs had led to her collapse. Emily, feeling guilty, encouraged Sarah to take better care of herself. With the community’s help, they shared the caregiving responsibilities.
Sarah gradually resumed her life, setting boundaries and accepting help. She learned that caring for others doesn’t mean sacrificing oneself.
Additional Examples of Neglecting Self-Care
Alcohol and Substance Use
Individuals who turn to alcohol or drugs to manage stress are often unable to care for others effectively. Their impaired judgment and health issues can prevent them from providing the necessary support to their loved ones. Their habit will always come before anyone or anything else. Help Someone Who Is Misusing Drugs or Alcohol – Healthdirect Australia.
Mental Health Neglect
A person struggling with untreated mental health issues such as depression or anxiety might find it challenging to offer emotional support to others. Their own struggle can make it difficult to be fully present and empathetic.
Overworking
Professionals who overwork themselves without taking breaks or time off can experience burnout. This can affect their productivity and the quality of their work, negatively impacting their colleagues and the overall workplace environment.
Poor Physical Health
Neglecting physical health by not exercising, eating poorly, or not getting enough sleep can lead to various health issues. This can reduce one’s energy and ability to effectively care for family and friends. Exercise and mental health – National Center for Biotechnology Information.
Tips for Prioritising Self-Care
While most people reading this post are well aware of these tips, it is not a bad thing to remind ourselves what is necessary for self-care, as we can sometimes forget in our busy lives.
Set Clear Boundaries
Decide what you are comfortable doing and what you are not comfortable doing. For example, setting boundaries at work to avoid taking on too many tasks allows you to manage your time and energy better, making you more available and attentive when helping colleagues or supporting loved ones. If anyone questions or compromises your boundaries, they don’t really care about you. How to Set Healthy Boundaries – Positive Psychology.
Prioritize Self-Care
Make time for activities that make you feel good, like exercising, reading, or just relaxing. Regular exercise boosts your physical health and mood, enabling you to be more energetic and positive when interacting with others. Going out for a few beers or
having a cigarette while watching the sunset is not self-care. Research confirms that no amount of alcohol and nicotine is safe.
Learn to Say No
It’s okay to decline requests that take too much of your time or energy. Saying no to extra commitments can prevent burnout, allowing you to remain reliable and supportive in your existing responsibilities. The message here is to avoid overloading yourself by being overly nice. Your niceness can be your enemy, as people-pleasing is unhealthy if it takes you away from the important things.
Reflect on Your Needs
Regularly think about what you need to feel peaceful and balanced. Taking time to understand your needs helps you stay balanced and prevents resentment, making you a more empathetic and patient caregiver. Putting others first when you don’t want to leads to resentment and is counterproductive to the Support you intend to provide.
Practice Self-Compassion
It’s okay to mess up occasionally. For some people, saying no often makes them feel bad. As I’ve said, people-pleasing for the sake of feeling good about yourself is the wrong motivation. Be kind to yourself. Self-compassion helps you recover from setbacks quickly and maintain a positive outlook, which is necessary for providing emotional support to others.
Seek Support
Hang out with people who respect your boundaries, values, and need for self-care. Having the support of good friends ensures you have help when needed, allowing you to recharge and be more present for others.
Delegate and Share Responsibilities
People-pleasers like to do everything themselves because it creates the perception that they are extra caring. Once again, this is the wrong motivation for doing anything. Importantly, though, don’t try to do everything by yourself. Delegating tasks at home or work prevents overload and ensures tasks are completed efficiently, fostering a cooperative and supportive environment.
Stay Mindful of Your Time
There are only so many hours in the day to get things done. Value your time and use it wisely. Being mindful of how you spend your time ensures you have enough for both self-care and caring for others, leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life. Know when to put aside work so that you can better care for yourself and others.
Get a Pet, If You Are Not Mad
If you’re struggling to care for yourself, get a sensible pet. While it might seem like a stupid suggestion because you will focus some of your time on an animal, the focus will benefit you. For instance, a dog will demand a walk when you get home from work. Walking is a good thing. I am not sure about cats or hamsters.
Note: Taking drugs, staying up late, keeping irregular hours, not getting enough sunlight, eating poorly, failing to exercise, and isolating yourself is self-abuse, not self-care.
Conclusion
Prioritizing self-care is not about being selfish. It’s about maintaining your well-being so you can be more resilient and better equipped to help others. By putting your needs first, you become stronger and more capable of contributing positively to those around you. Self-care is a necessity, not a luxury. Embrace it, and you’ll find that you have more to give to those around you.